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Thread: help needed... please

  1. #1
    Default help needed... please
    hi guys. A friend of mine which we went to school together in holland, he's in russian now and he's planning to get a business scholarship in a university in melbourne. he's iranian and doesn't speak english very well. he needs my help to write a 300 word essay on why he want the scholarship, i really dont know what to suggest, do you guys have any helpful opinions. the essay he has written is like 500 words and am felling helpless. here it goes....

    I was born in Tehran on 17th of July, 1988 as the last child of a six member family and lived in a quiet neighborhood in the eastern part of the city. My father works in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Americans call it the state department I donít know what itís called in Australia. Anyway, because of my dadís job we moved to Canberra when I was at the age of six. He knew his mission was going to end in three years time and weíd be returning to Iran so I studied at the Iranian school in Canberra for two days a week and to learn English I went to Australian primary schools, Hughes and Farrer.
    After leaving Australia we lived in Tehran for two years then in summer of 1999 we travelled to the Netherlands. Because there wasnít an Iranian school in Holland I went to the International School of the Hague which gave me the opportunity to improve my English, it had many other positive aspects but Iím not getting in to that things.
    We went back to Iran after three years and stayed there for another three years until we came to Moscow in the summer of 2005. I finished my Iranian school here which took a year then I went to an engineering University to complete a one year course which Russians call it the preparation year, so last year I finished the course by completing the necessary subjects to attend in an engineering undergraduate course. This year (2007-2008) I took a course which is called Automation of Machinery Productions; itís basically about automating productions with the help of machines. The reason I took this course was the fact that Iran needs its own manufacturers to boost the economy but the stuff I was taught here goes way back to the soviet era and I told myself what is more important in order to setup a factory, being a good technician with soviet knowledge or to be a skillful manager and a business person to manage people and money. Thatís the reason I chose business and I want the scholarship because honestly my father doesnít have the financial power to cover the expenses of my studies. So what Iím really wishing for is to be able to get the scholarship and study hard to serve my very financially depressed people and Iíve promised myself when I get rich Iíll be devoting 10% of my annual earnings to reward scholarships to capable students like myself so they can serve future generations.
    Iím planning to move to Melbourne in February 2009 for the 1st semester, of course if I get the scholarship. Iíll learn cooking and study some business books till then. My future really depends on this scholarship.

  2. #2
    Retired Moderator
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    City of Brotherly Love
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    Well a few things, one there is a lot of grammer mistakes. Also the essay is kinda all over the place. What exactly is the scholarship? Is a certain school program, or fund, company giving it out? Because you would want to focus the essay around that. How the essay is written your friend doesnt seem very appreciative of it. He says if he gets it he'll donate some money (i would leave that out, thats a load of crap and theyll know that too) besides that all he really says if he gets it he'll learn "some cooking" and "study some business"

    If I was him (or you) whoever is writing this. First off get something written than perhaps show it to a literature or writing teacher for pointers or at least to review/proofread it. Also find out who or what is actually giving out the scholarship then base the essay around that. Usually most scholarships that require a paper written usually gives you a few ideas to write about

    Also tell him to leave his back/life story out of it. They've all heard it before, and of course most people who apply for it, do it because they cannot afford schooling, they know that, they dont need a pitty trip it wont faze them imo
    Last edited by .:MirrorminD:.; 2008-06-18 at 01:33 AM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to .:MirrorminD:. For This Useful Post:

    sedjav (2008-06-18)

  4. #3
    What's Jailbreak?
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts

    In my opinion,
    • i wouldn't use "i don't know" like he does in the second line. Tell him to make something up.
    • He should list how long he stayed at the Iranian school and like how long and such and such.
    • Instead of using words such as "anyways" and others, he should look some more complicated and "smarter sounding" words up in the dictionary.
    • "but Iím not getting in to that things." - that sentence should be revised.
    • Shouldn't use the word "stuff" and such.
    • He could work on transitions so it flows better
    • my teacher always told me not to use "filler" words like verry and really.
    • It makes it look better if he writes more than 500 words.
    • He did give great reasons as to why he deserves the scholarship, however the overall flow needs polishing.
    hope this helps!
    best of luck for him

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to ra3don For This Useful Post:

    sedjav (2008-06-18)

  6. #4
    thank you Mod for your suggestions. in fact he's the one who needs the scholarship but I'm doing most of the writing part for him. the scholarship is awarded by the university itself, not by the government or any business, i'll ask him to send an email to the university to try and get a few ideas to write about.

    and ra3don I thank you too, you made some useful points.

    its very complicated to convince these guys to approve him because first off he's iranian so politics plays a role here. he's 19 like me, we don't know how to deal with people, its like doing business but its not, I just don't know what factors they have when it comes to scholarships. any idea?

  7. #5
    Green Apple
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Grand Rapids MI
    Thanked 9 Times in 9 Posts

    It's not too bad, I would defiantly use ra3dons suggestions except for the 300 word thing, I would stick within 20 or so words or 300, they are looking for one that jumps right out and grabs them, like your first sentence should. And then they are looking for someone who is going to be dedicated to advancement because they don't want to waste their money so make sure to keep the parts about how dedicated he was to furthering his education even when it wasn't easy. And I'm sure many of us on here would be willing to read 300 or so words and do our best to help with any grammar mistakes before he turns it in. Good luck !

    (I'm sure i have grammar mistakes in just about every post so don't judge me on that, b/c this is a forum and I don't plan out my posts like i would an essay!)

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to sn0ws For This Useful Post:

    sedjav (2008-06-18)

  9. #6
    thanks snows, I think its time to hand over the text to some one who knows grammar.

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