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Thread: Voted worlds funniest joke. By who? I don't know

  1. #1
    Talking Voted worlds funniest joke. By who? I don't know
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"'

    No? not that funny? How about this...

    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
    In a Podiatrist's office:
    'Time wounds all heels.'
    On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
    At a Proctologist's door:
    'To expedite your visit please back in.'
    On a Plumber's truck:
    'We repair what your husband fixed.'
    On another Plumber's truck:
    'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
    On a Church's Billboard:
    '7 days without God makes one weak.'
    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
    'Invite us to your next blowout.'
    At a Towing company:
    'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
    On an Electrician's truck:
    'Let us remove your shorts.'
    In a Nonsmoking Area:
    'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
    On a Maternity Room door:
    'Push. Push. Push.'
    At an Optometrist's Office:
    'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
    On a Taxidermist's window:
    'We really know our stuff.'
    On a Fence:
    'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
    At a Car Dealership:
    'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
    At the Electric Company
    'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
    However, if you don't, you will be.'
    In a Restaurant window:
    'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
    At a Propane Filling Station:
    'Thank heaven for little grills.'
    And don't forget the sign at a
    Chicago Radiator Shop:
    'Best place in town to take a leak.

    If I helped you in anyway, show some love! hit the thanks button!

  2. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Ridge For This Useful Post:

    King Luis (2007-11-30), timwilso (2007-12-03)

  3. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Atlanta, GA
    Thanked 18 Times in 18 Posts

    not that was allright

  4. #3
    iPhone? More like MyPhone
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    UK northwest
    Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts

    Heard it before it gave me a giggle. The others are quite funny

  5. #4
    Haha! The electric company is my favorite one! If they said that to me, I'd be flabbergasted at what to say!

  6. #5
    Hah, I had a small chuckle but I wouldn't go as far as saying the best in the world.


  7. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by gardz View Post
    Hah, I had a small chuckle but I wouldn't go as far as saying the best in the world.

    Here some more!

    New Rules:

    New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

    New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

    New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

    New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other show.

    If I helped you in anyway, show some love! hit the thanks button!

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to Ridge For This Useful Post:

    The Eye (2007-12-06)

  9. #7
    Kinda cheeze, had a small laugh though

  10. #8
    I chuckled. Haha


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