Santa Claus has been arrested under the USA Patriot Act after people reported a heavily bearded man seen flying last night around the rooftops of Washington DC suburban neighbourhoods, 3 miles from the White House.
He is currently being held at an undisclosed maximum security detention centre somewhere in Washington, until his nationality is verified. Unconfirmed reports suggest, he is being charged for several offences, including: flying an unlicensed craft and without a permit in American airspace, promoting religious fanaticism through festival symbolism, mass hysteria, and bribery of minors. It is believed, he will soon be transferred to Guantanamo Bay for further processing.
The United States Customs and Border Protection (USCBP) and the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) have also brought charges against Santa Claus.
USCBP is charging him for evading the importation tax law, by failing to declare goods allegedly claimed as 'gifts'. USDA has referred to the endangered species act and charged him with illegal trafficking of protected animals (reindeer).
To add more woes to his calamities, The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) are suing him for cruelty to the reindeer by forcing wingless animals to fly.
The American Psychiatric Association are also claiming for damages for the devastating effect his capture will have on their patients, many of whom are being treated because they believe in the, until now, assumed fictional man. It is believed, this incident will completely wipe out the Psychiatry profession.
Christmas has been postponed indefinitely.
12-09-2007, 10:35 AM
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